Chris Cohan : [LIBELOUS SLANDER]

Clippers 118, Warriors 90

2009-11-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

Speechless.
I've contacted Daryl Morey to register our collective national embarrassment.

Almost too easy [really] and The Irrelevant Warriors Captaincy

2009-10-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

The Houston game was all I expected and more:

Bad rotations, no team D [Monta Ellis was a man possessed on man coverage, against all team trends], no holding to account of Stephen Jackson or Corey Maggette by the only person who has yet to get it [Don Nelson], incredible individual play from Monta Ellis, overstated "point guard" love of Stephen Curry [can't shoot the NBA 3? I remember when Baron passed neurotically and mugged reactively, too], and not enough Anthony Morrow or Anthony Randolph.

DEAD ARENA.

We Believe! is long gone from Oakland. Oh well. So it goes.

I have high hopes, as always, for the young talent on the roster. But we've seen the draft picks come [we've heard them hyped, some of you have bought the tickets in accordance] and we've seen them go. Time and time again: http://chriscohansucks.blogspot.com/2009/08/never-forget.html. All we're waiting on with the latest batch is the Rowell/Ridder PR fuck-over and the unceremonious dump that saves Cohan a stray Cadillac Escalade payment or whatever. If it's any consolation [no], Nellie says [and you can believe him!] that the Cohans send all of those beautiful, beautiful pennies they pinch between their butt cheeks to worthy charity causes. Like the IRS. And the Adonal Foyle Trust Fund. And Stephen Jackson's stripper tip jar. And Stephen Curry's Hot Topic Twitter account and league pretty boy slush fund. Sure sure. The Great Humanitarian.

Anyway, I like the young'uns just fine even if I didn't remotely see a "point" guard of consequence on the floor against Houston besides the guy they couldn't EVER stop, Monta Ellis. So I'll wait on major review until Curry and Morrow torch the Phoenix Flames tonight. Right?

Now about that recently vacated captain's chair:

Jason Richardson
Baron Davis
Matt Barnes
Al Harrington
Stephen Jackson
Andris Biedrins
Ronny Turiaf

Andris Biedrins almost traded in the offseason, now conserving his energy for his next team.
Ronny Turiaf is a small, goofy price to pay for a Jackson dump at the trading deadline, I'll wager. Much as I love the cool hair and the dancing on the bench, he's far too often all swagger, no rebounding.

The Warriors captaincy: [Congratulations]

Warriors Offseason Summary, Month Four:

2009-09-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

$25,000?

Guess Stephen Jackson's little-publicized but widely-presumed contract void/league ban period following the Palace Brawl and strip club shoot-up had ended. I'm sure he knew exactly when and I'm pretty sure it was at the close of this past fiscal year. Very clever, that one.

To review: he hired an agent to get a trade set up. Period.

In other news, Stephen Curry has been announced as the most marketable 2009 draftee not named Griffin, as though anyone needed reminding, and the Warriors are already blocking him with good guys on one year deals to play Nelson shitwing small ball (like CJ Watson). Who was screwed with like Mickael Pietrus and Matt Barnes and everyone else before him and won't leave on good terms. Familiar refrain in Oakland. Curry not even all that great but totally famous in the exact opposite way Sebastian Telfair was. Great.

Monta Ellis still wants out and is still being smeared anywhere and everywhere by the Warriors PR tentacles, no matter what Larry Rowell, er, Riley, releases out the PR Hole.

Andris Biedrins screwed out of incentives. According to Sham Sports, all incentives currently listed as UNLIKELY. Sorry Marcus Thompson, you swallowed the team's panic release talk points on that hook, line, and sinker, when they were screwing with his minutes and his games in-season like I said they were. Too easy. I'm sure he's happy as a clam with Nellie.

Anthony Randolph, incidentally, is talking like a new man with his new agent.

Others represented by Mr. Duffy: Marcus Williams, Andris Biedrins, and Speedy Claxton.

Oh yeah, Speedy: no plans to retire or not try to play, meaning no plans to be insurance-covered roster space and no marketability as a trade chip. Unfortunate, but his status is limited to trade entity and this means he has to be paid all year and nets nothing until the trade deadline at the earliest, at which time it will be far, far too late for this season. Commence breath-holding. The Knicks are offering Eddy Curry.

Devean George WILL take minutes from the young bigs who can't shoot the three. Just accept it. He's the healthy version of Austin Croshere, whom the online Homer Moron Tool Hypesters were all about not so long ago. They love predictable mediocrity.

So we're stacked with new versions of Troy Hudson and Chris Webber and can proceed to alienate all the major talent who would win if developed together but, instead, is officially playing out the string until they get a real shot with a real team. But hey, we got Shaun Pruitt! Anything to not play Richard Hendrix!!!

Enjoy.

Stephen Jackson: TRASH

2009-09-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

He got the attention he was seeking and it looks like this:

[H]is deficiencies overwhelm his few advantages.

As a consequence, although he has played 19,470 minutes in his career he has only produced 15.1 wins. His career WP48 is 0.037, well below the average mark of 0.100. In fact, in nine seasons Jackson has yet to be above average.

...Last year Jackson was paid $6.6 million and only produced 2.4 wins.

...Jackson is also old and expensive. Before the next season ends, Jackson will be 31 years of age. He is also scheduled to receive $35 million across the next four seasons...

When we consider the entire Jackson picture, it seems a contender wouldn’t be helped much if they acquired his services. It’s also apparent that the Warriors shouldn’t care much if he departs. As it stands now, Jackson is going to get $10 million dollars in 2013-14. Given the age profile of NBA players, at that point he will be a very unproductive 35-year old player. So if the Warriors do find a contender that wants Jackson, now is the time to make a deal.

http://dberri.wordpress.com/2009/09/02/stephen-jackson-wants-a-better-team/

Sneaky Bad

2009-09-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Warriors couldn't hold off the media cycle any longer, and now the opening season news is not "hey, isn't Acie Law awesome in the preseason?" but instead, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE MORONS DOING?!?!" Or words to that effect.

The Warriors have successfully stifled/avoided serious criticism from most corners since the 2007 freak lucky streak and dream Don Nelson interpersonal pissing contest first round playoff matchup, pushing hope and hyping swagger, testosterone, balls, whatever it was they stole the easy games with for NEVER a full season end to end. Injuries, youth, bad attitudes from Anthony Randolph and Monta Ellis, bad play from Andris Biedrins and Brandan Wright, whatever the excuse and the lie. It all worked for the majority of the fairweather fanbase blindly paying for this slop and rubbing their team icons in private.

No more.

Now the only marketable stories are the general dysfunction and the weird problem player halfway house the team has firmly and irrevocably established, once and for all, as its sole defining identity. It's been common league knowledge for a long time, even as the man makes some strides at the league committee level, that Chris Cohan is effectively a complete non-threat in competitive basketball terms. But the latest bull shit means just about nothing beyond coincidence of reports of possible team sale for the team's longterm future. This man was booed on his own floor at an All Star game, after all. TEN YEARS AGO!!!!! (as of the coming A.S. game).

He can take it. He's already recovered from the latest daily email Rowell sent him, "still shitty," and moved on to his tennis game. Or whatever he does besides figuring out how to competently lead a professional basketball team anywhere but his own tax-evading bank account.

Sucks to be us.

So in the midst of Stephen Jackson's (finally) publicized trade demands, the Warriors pull their usual clever deal and lock up the guys whose names you'll be inserting into this year's round of "Why the hell is _____ playing more than [Insert name of favorite under-25 player here]???"

Oh, first, on the "finally" part: like Al Harrington and Mickael Pietrus before him, this was a long time coming. Monta Ellis is absolutely next, maybe Biedrins too even though we all already know he's on the block as a salary dump/major trade value chip. Jackson grabbed his cash, just like Baron, and completely bamboozled a man with no business making longterm basketball decisions, Robert Rowell. No, that doesn't mean Jackson should be our next President, but it does seem about adequate for the Warriors' typical job search.

Remember, it was all cool last season. We were a young team on the rise with our fierce captain at the helm. But reports are slowly trickling in that Jackson wanted out last year. It's nice to have the information on TIME, this go-round, instead of Steinmetz's and others' famous year-after-the-fact leaky acknowledgments of Al Harrington's issues before the great money-laundering moves for Crawford-Claxton. The team made its own bed here, pushing Jackson as a credible leader and playoff maker, not merely playoff hot streak hot dog, and he failed miserably. And knows it.

To quote Bob Fitzgerald, emphasis shifted: "Stephen Jackson CAN'T play any better."
To quote the world: "No shit."

And so as Warriorland awakens to yet another jackass hangover after yet another reckless binge of baseless optimism, the Warriors make their customary moves while the coffee is still brewing and the bowl is still clung to (read it both ways honestly, I dare you). While the cycle pukes $tephen Jack$on green, they ink obvious problem Mikki Moore and potentially get CJ Watson over the barrel for, if nothing else, another season of playing more minutes than everyone but $tephen Jackson and Kelenna Azubuike.

Pop quiz, who played the most minutes for the team last year?
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/teams/stats?team=gsw&sort=mins&avg=none&order=true&season=2&seasonYear=2009&split=0

That's right, it was Kelenna Azubuike, a player the big fish forum trolls from Rowell's dinner parties say is now nothing but another expiring contract/get paid and get out budget rent-a-shitwing. Congratulations, those of you who regurgitated Bob Fitzgerald/Ray Ridder's glowing D-League coverage on Watson and Azubuike. Feeling proud? Like you're a part of their inspirational story? Get over it. They're the next round of Matt Barnes Nellie Ball mediocrity-gone-hyperdrive-PR spin, then just plain gone. Nellie's done this forever, as I've covered in the past, and Rowell is a connoisseur of fine bullshit, etc.:

http://chriscohansucks.blogspot.com/2009/03/anatomy-of-nellie-shitwing-sandwich.html

And now Mikki Moore WILL play big minutes like Austin Croshere was supposed to and he WILL affect RANDOLPH, Biedrins, and Wright.

Get ready, you incredible schmucks. It's happening.

Watson makes the Ellis dump a near-certainty and Stephen Curry will NOT be playing any more point guard than Stephen Jackson just got finished playing. If that. And we all saw the nice 29 win brilliance that produced. But hey, you probably cleaned house in your fantasy league for that one month, right? Right.

A few predictable fan forum sorts were bending over backwards to proclaim these two items non-news and even Adam Lauridsen downplayed the Moore signing and Watson's status. http://blogs.mercurynews.com/warriors/2009/08/31/motion-sickness-moore-watson-and-jackson/
But the real story here is that the team's three major minute guys last year were Azubuike, Jackson, and Watson, with Crawford, and it doesn't look like much will change this year. Nelson has a documented gimmick and now he has his two veteran half-ass bigmen, Turiaf and Moore. Turiaf is a solid reserve big and a quality guy you want leading your team's bench and locker room vibe. But the team's heavy Turiaf hype as Biedrins' minutes were screwed with mercilessly (and perhaps even his incentives for games played) is mere prelude to the latest dump of yesterday's franchise centerpiece.

Turiaf, great as he is, is no excuse for shitting on Andris Biedrins like the team has and will continue to. The onliners who felt out the Milkki Moore reactions a few weeks before he was signed know well enough how tenuous their world is now. They can deal with it themselves when it leads to serious problems with incredibly talented young bigmen.

The fanbase was happy to relish the failures of Ike Diogu and Patrick O'Bryant, as well as Mike Dunleavy (not a bigman, but a NELLIE POWER FORWARD!), but one of these players has already proved that he was NOT the problem, convincingly. Dunleavy away from Nelson and Baron Davis' shitball antics is a quality NBA player. And his contract expires next offseason. Ouch. Murphy is still a stiff but a league-leading rebounder type stiff. Weird stuff. If Brandan Wright or Andris Biedrins or Anthony Randolph go on to greatness elsewhere (either recognize the odds with this team or shut the fuck up, I say: Randolph's no more reason for hope than Webber was. He's LESS- Webber was better)... it won't surprise any of us.

Same with Ellis, who WILL go on to greatness elsewhere. The Bandwagon imbeciles and Team PR Plants have harped on his attitude, harped on his point guard game, and harped on his injury risk at GREAT length. Baron Davis was apparently no such risk until he was too expensive or too Chris Mullin-y. But Ellis is clearly on the outs with management, so he gets no free passes.

It's science. The Warriors snuck it past you again. Buried the real story under the big fat media hype. Wanna bet $tephen Jackson goes nowhere, actually, and really couldn't care less who pays him as long as he gets to chuck and bitch and sit on his ass wile the opposition runs up the score on the other end now that he played a few games of defense on Dirk and got the money locked up? In that case, here's your core roster as the season progresses:

Watson
Azubuike
Jackson
Maggette George
Turiaf Moore

You bank faith on Anthony Randolph and Anthony Morrow and Stephen Curry getting those big time minutes. You go right ahead. But I've seen this all before. Last season, most recently. Ellis, Wright, and Biedrins, last year's Hope-based initiative contingency, are already on their way out of town.

I guess you've forgotten.
They're sneaky bad that way in Warriorland.

Warriors Offseason Update, End of August

2009-08-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

The Warriors PR team had it all under control.

Sweet sweet Steph Curry draft-day swipe bull shit (he never wanted to come here, the disappointment on his little over-hyped face was just priceless) fell to summer league suck (oh but they'll say he was magnificent in the shitwing chuck offense Keith Smart ran). Biedrins, Ellis, Jackson, Maggette, pretty much everyone ready to get the fuck out now that they got their money, especially Biedrins probably after Nellie showed that we'll fuck with his minutes and probably a million in incentives every year now. Ellis already had his money taken after Stephen Jackson put him on that motorcycle or whatever happened while they hung out "all last summer."

At any rate, as always, the happy melodies Bob Fitzgerald takes from Ray Ridder and Robert Rowell's greasy shit can and spews all over the Warriors paid-publicity mouthpiece, KNBR, and elsewhere, has of course all come crashing down. Again. As always. And forever.

I'm not sorry. Fuck those assholes.

Big News from the Big Fish: Crawford was a "rotation" player

2009-08-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

He logged more minutes than just about anyone else, so that's good to hear.
We sure made good on the Al Harrington-Don Nelson fight.

Latest count, $20 million-ish in direct fan thefts via player salary laundering since the Richardson TPE expired.

Biedrins wants out?

2009-08-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

Latvian press running some reportedly "frank" interviews with Andris as he works with the nat'l team.
If you know Latvian, enjoy:

Oh wait, that may not all be in Latvian.

Anyway, track down the real ones and translate, if you dare.
He hates Nelson, hates the Warriors ownership, and is on his way out of town in a stupid salary dump.

Why Blind Media/Agent Bashers Are Idiots and a New Link (Bob Fitzgerald)

2009-08-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

Memories....

http://48minutes.net/2008/10/28/harrington-nelson-deny-trade-story/#comment-3800

http://blogs.mercurynews.com/kawakami/2008/10/28/warriors-update-harrington-no-longer-wants-to-play-for-don-nelson/

On Bob and the PR Plant Spam Assault (ongoing)
From Kawakami's TC Firehouse/KNBR poster review.
See side bar. KNBR is all over the forums. They're pushing their Facebook timeshare chat w/Fitz and Roye tonight over on ww.net because no one gives a shit so far.
Also: http://www.ibabuzz.com/warriors/2009/08/04/2009-10-warriors-schedule/

Introducing: The Warrior Files!

2009-08-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

First, my muse, this brilliant little diddy on the Nelson/Colangelo Belinelli trade negotiations by MoPete15:

Without further ado,

The Don Nelson Debate

Radio Personalities commenting on Warriors Blog?

2009-08-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

Word is Bob Fitzgerald, Warriors on-air "talent," and his midday co-host, 49ers plugman Rod Brooks, are spamming it up over on Marcus Thompson II's Warrior's blog as Airplane Rider and Optimus Prime, respectively. "Road Orange" is another team plant there.

They're still all over the forums and holy shit, are they stooges.
Have a read at your leisure:

http://www.ibabuzz.com/warriors/2009/08/04/2009-10-warriors-schedule/

ESPN: Tease.

2009-08-05T18:41:00.001-07:00

"Chatter" about a coaching change after the Cohan sale rumors?????
Bastards. None of it will actually happen.

http://myespn.go.com/blogs/truehoop/0-43-12/Ten-Summer-Stories-to-Watch.html

Never Forget

2009-08-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

2009
Jesus Jr.

2008
Anthony Randolph (A new Hope)
Richard Hendrix

2007 (Blame Mullin!)
[Honorable Mention: Brandan Wright, currently being assassinated by the Warriors after they dumped the heart and soul of We Believe!, Jason Richardson, for him, and never used the resulting $10 million on anything in a playoff race and won't get anything for Wright, either. Nod to Nuck for the mention]
Marco Belinelli
Jermareo Davidson
Stephane Lasme

2006
Patrick O'Bryant
Kosta Perovic

2005
Ike Diogu
Monta Ellis (Hates team, on the block)
Chris Taft

2004
Andris Biedrens (Almost traded every year since drafted)

2003
Mickael Pietrus
Derrick Zimmerman

2002
Mike Dunleavy
Steve Logan

2001
Jason Richardson
Troy Murphy
Gilbert Arenas

2000
Chris Porter

1999
Jeff Foster (Vonteego!)
Tim Young

1998
Vince Carter (Antawn Jamison)

1997
Adonal Foyle
Marc Jackson

1996
Todd Fuller
Marcus Mann

1995
Joe Smith
Andrew DeClerq
Dwayne Whitfield
Martin Lewis
Michael McDonald

1994
Clifford Rozier
Anthony Miller
Dwayne Morton

1993
Anfernee Hardaway (Chris Webber)
Darnell Mee

1992
Latrell Sprewell
Predrag Danilovic (As your father, I beg of you...)
Matt Fish

1991
Chris Gatling
Victor Alexander
Shaun Vandiver
Lamont Strothers

http://www.databasebasketball.com/draft/draftteam.htm?tm=GSW&lg=N

Sham says Mavs screwed D. George out of $200K

2009-08-03T08:19:00.001-07:00

and did so as payback for vetoing the first Kidd-Harris swap.
See "The Assassination of Devean George by The Coward Donnie Nelson"
http://www.shamsports.com/content/pages/

Don't Forget: Stephen Jackson COULD have been an expiring contract right now.

2009-08-02T17:15:00.001-07:00

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Speedy Claxton NOT covered by insurance? Warriors officially announce that Acie Law and Speedy Claxton are better than Marco Belinelli. Garbage Dump.

2009-08-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

The Al Harrington-Don Nelson feud landed us Jamal Crawford and these remarks, issued by Chris Mullin:

"We are elated to add a player of Jamal's ability to our team. We think he is an excellent fit for our style and the fact that he can play multiple positions as a combo guard is a big plus."

Then the trumped up Must-Dump-Crawford idiocy landed us Acie Law and Speedy Claxton, a lump of suck the team surely thought would be paid by insurance instead of by them.

But Marcus T. now reports that Claxton wants to play this year. He did play a bit last year. So if he's now a FULL $5.2 million guaranteed and spoken for roster spot, he's also almost certainly NOT. GOING. ANYWHERE anytime soon enough to land help for this season. It's fine, the Warriors don't get anything for their trade assets, anyway. They turn them into non-assets (hello, $10 million Jason Richardson dump TPE, now the Brandan Wright assassination campaign). Crawford's trade value is obviously extremely low. As was Belinelli's. And pretty much everyone the Warriors ever trade. Money in Cohan's pocket, period. I tracked the Belinelli trade showcase back in March and, since then, the take home for fans went from Joey Graham to Devean George and cash (not theirs).

Meanwhile, I got into a cat fight with the CBA dweebs at RealGM because they wanted me to know, teams can do ANYTHING during the Summer months! The Warriors proved their point by dumping Marco Belinelli for cash as soon as the Claxton news hit, circumstantially at least. After waiving Jermareo Davidson. And not signing the best player from their summer squad, Cartier Martin. And putting Acie fucking Law in their promo crap online and elsewhere. God, he was about the worst player in the ENTIRE Summer League! KEEPER! Youngest team (roster) in the league! (Old-ass rotation).

Our grand offseason prize, ladies and gentlemen: Devean George.

Larry Riley was overcome with emotion:

"We're looking forward to adding a veteran... He is obviously a proven winner and has been on several successful teams during his career... youth on our roster... versatile player."

Translation:
Old motherfucker Nellie and I can drink with and Jackson won't shoot. Was present at ring ceremonies while the players who won them were also present. We hate youth and kill it at all costs. He'll play Nellie Power Forward and cost Randolph and Wright more minutes than last year.

The excuse for the move has been officially declared as Too Many Shitwings, Belinelli was in Morrow's way. No.

We landed two guys who shouldn't be in the league, Law and Claxton, can't move them (WON'T- they're silent expiring contracts, as opposed to whiny wannabe Euro-Jordan and his Italian media maven brother), ditched a guy Bob Fitzgerald has lost his wad over live and on air in every single game the kid ever played in, and when the dust settles, when all is said and Don(e)....

Jackson and Maggette are STILL in Morrow's way.

But, so it goes in Warriorland.
Another day, another BS press release to deflect yet another shitty decision.

15 years and counting... for now.

Warriors Offseason Summary, Month Three (Told Ya So)

2009-07-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

The Warriors mounted an impressive smear campaign against Al Harrington and Jamal Crawford, who were far less of a financial burden than the 4 years and $75 million remaining on 31-year-old Stephen Jackson and 30-year-old Corey Maggette. Robert Rowell was reached for comment and said "It's way less than that." The Chris Mullin smear campaign, on the other hand, failed miserably and now he's chillin and being as stand-up as ever while Don Nelson and Robert Rowell prepare to turn on each other next.

Oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

All told, the Harrington - Crawford - Claxton/Law shuffle will put $5 million or more into Cohan's pocket with absolutely no on-court talent upgrade and no chance of any further acquisitions. Claxton's contract is largely covered by insurance and the team laundered $1.4 million in fan donations to Cohan's tax shelter between the Harrington and Crawford dumps.

Remember the Jason Richardson salary dump? We're completing the circle with the tell-tale Brandan Wright smear campaign and Marco Belinelli still not replacing JR, despite the STAR 2007 SUMMER LEAGE perfomance, and we're heading into his third season. The $10 million TPE savings on Richardson went unused. Same will happen with the Claxton deal and ANY expiring deals we have, which still won't get us under the salary cap. Let's dump Ellis and Biedrins now! Gotta pay Randolph and Morrow! They recycle this bullshit every other year.

Monta Ellis was fined $3 million for riding a motorcycle or a scooter or protecting his brother or jumping a crack dealer or WHATEVER he did last summer while Stephen Jackson "was with Monta all summer." That money was supposed to go back to ticket-buying customers.

Anyway, I count $8 million there, straight into Cohan's pocket, no team improvement whatsoever to show for it. In fact, we made it worse. Ellis hates Rowell and Nelson, Law and Claxton are standing between fans and any glimmer of hope the team will pick up anything of use for the regular season (all roster spots accounted for as of now, barring some waiver or buy out... holding our breath). And the team is now/still based upon personal agendas, player attacks (Maggette next?), and general penny-pinching non-basketball BS.

They're calling ticket holders, desperately trying to talk them into handing over another $8 million for them to steal.

Good luck.

Oh yeah, and Stephen Curry sucks thus far.
Didn't even make NBA.com's first rookie top 10.
We took him at 7.

Offseason Update: Happy Fiscal New Year!

2009-06-30T22:44:00.001-07:00

First order of business, Amar'e Stoudemire doesn't want to play for Don Nelson or with Stephen Jackson and Corey Maggette, and doesn't want to be the center next to rising star Anthony Randolph or, more likely, the four shitwings Nellie will run out instead of him.

I think we're done here.

Fist Bump: Star-Fucking, Revisiting Robert Rowell Salary Protection & the Annual Failed Offseason Kickoff Party!

2009-06-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

Rowell-in-the-middle with the Epic draft day fist bump to make sure the world knows, "We meant to do that."
http://www.nba.com/video/channels/draft/2009/06/26/nba_090625_war_room1.nba/
Yeah, this guy's totally not a douche bag loser.

Meanwhile, as the owner of the team's new ESPN-supported PR mouthpiece, warriorsworld.net, goes postal in all the other forums, scolding and trolling and fatting, all the while posting he and his monkey Sheed's brilliant reporting on the Amar'e trade that isn't happening like good little team foot soldiers, we take this time to announce and illustrate the inevitable...

The Warriors interns and PR management spent the year saying they won't trade Andris Biedrins and Anthony Randolph while hyping up Ronny Turiaf's hair at starting center. Then we get the already-botched Amar'e Stoudemire bullshit. Two terrible management teams working together can only lead to greatness. The inconsequential ass holes picking sides in that kitten death match have their issues, but Don Nelson hasn't pulled the wool over anyone's eyes since Tractor Traylor weighted under 300 lbs. Get over it. We're fucked and you who have carried Nellie's fat senile jock strap through all of this bullshit (suddenly a VERY quiet bunch as I'm 100% right about everything yet again) L-O-S-T. He's a completely vindictive, manipulative, egotistical, money-grubbing, youth-killing disaster, as predicted via historical analysis.

So, long story short, no deal.

Here's the worst of it: The Warriors are fucking desperate for a big fat useless name like this because ticket sales might tank otherwise. Hence Nellie scrambles to hype Stephen Curry and the team rushes Monta to KNBR to keep the odd purchase coming in until his trade demand is met. Gilbert Arenas and Elton Brand were probably never close to Warriors last offseason but the Warriors sure did publicize those offers after Baron ditched them.

Rowell has nothing to offer a fanbase besides this gimmicky shit, and neither does Nellie. Never mind Cohan at this point. He's silent, he's clueless, he issues the cash directive, period. Rowell will outlive Nellie and is already setting him up for the fall, too.

Fist bump.

Holy fucking shit we're screwed with that weasel running amok.

But the briefest review:
Kevin Garnett two years ago? Sure. That was a reality with our penny-pinching ghost owner. And the Richardson salary dump sure was great. Never used the TPE to improve the team (there's that luxury tax handout threat again!) and Fatboy Nelson can't eff with Brandan Wright enough. We wanted Al Thornton, huh? Whoop-dee-freaking-doo. Would we not have Jackson and Maggette then? Yeah, right. Such unbelievable win-now-but-not-really BS. Cohan IS cheap, but on a level that somehow hemorrhages cash at a rate perfectly calibrated to impede meaningful talent acquisition while avoiding consistent winning performance with a bunch of shitwing chuckers and gimmicks that only move the needle for Ray Ridder and the PR Department..

On some level, who cares? We made the right call if Garnett is as fucked up as he seems to be. Those are oooooooollllllldddddddd legs. Richardson is overpaid and Wright is good (he was great when he played last year and Nelson is now clearly screwing with everyone's head with no apparent rational intent), and the team probably wasn't landing a ring-winner with a mere $10 million. So there's the point: Danny Ainge was a fucking idiot and continues to be, Doc Rivers was a jackass coach and continues to be. They were both about to get canned- they deserved to be, anyway- and took the plunge with their pal McHale, now shoveling snow in the Minnesota Summer. It worked for a year. Now they're selling Ray Allen's expiring deal, publicly demolishing a great young point guard, and gearing up to be Paul Pierce and scrubs all over again. Brilliant long term planning.

Let's emulate.

But of course, those incompetent boobs can pay the luxury tax any time they want. The Warriors don't do that. Won't ever do that. So following the Boston plan is about the last thing this Warriors team would actually do. No no, we're not getting legit HOF stars to win rings with. We shop at Wal-Mart (not that there's anything wrong with that). Jackson and Maggette: look at those pretty numbers! Efficiency! Raw scoring! Technical fouls! Pissed off teammates!
They suck ass.

Here's a trip down Salary Protection memory lane with departed Warriors Beater Janny Hu. Oh, Rowell:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/warriors/detail?entry_id=31399
Classic, CLASSIC shit.

Oh yeah, on the Amar'e lies:
Amar'e leaves two years of guaranteed cash on the table if he rushes into an extension now. Now maybe he's not ready to play this year and wants to lock in his cash, so he thinks getting the extra 4 years now is crucial (Garnett. Gilbert. Brand. Baron. Etc.) In that case, all you fucking idiots who want to buy an Amar'e jersey for your fantasy basketball draft party:

Just shut the fuck up.

This is stupid.

He misses out on $40 million if he takes an extension now or he's planing for early retirement.
He's either a rental or a complete fucking waste of time.

Come on now. You do this shit every year. Time to grow up.

Fist bump.

Warriors Offseason Summary, Month Two (Vacation Edition)

2009-06-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking shit.

PR Release: Drafty Bits & Nellie = Bonds

2009-06-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I knocked off some brilliant bullshit for the day job and will soon grade you or your children's disastrous final exams, then I'm hitting the road for about three weeks to forget all that has passed in the past months of Warriors Dysfunction. You should take a break from the Warriors Ennui, too, as it's only a matter of time before the press packs and Bob Shitzgerald/TC Firehouse/Flunkster Dude/Twinkie Defense spins and sales pitches assault your all-too-wised-up ears and faces once we've fucked up the draft and mortgaged the future on a rental who won't make a difference. Fitz is instructing KNBR employees to hang up on anyone who wants to talk about the Warriors dysfunction. Only Terrence Williams draft talk allowed, but not last week.

Oh yeah, T.Will's dream come true: get drafted by the suckers at 7 so the money's tight, then get traded to Detroit so the play is decent. Can't imagine Joe Dumars is interested in a shitwing super athlete with rocks for brains, but whatever. A boy can dream. The Warriors: Making Dreams Come True (partially, but putting all faith in a lottery pick shitwing as prelude to final catastrophic blowup and disintegration).

Beware a slight change in tone from the usual plants now that the team has staged a public forum traffic draw/PR "outing." They're hoping to maintain a few of their still-unteam-ID'd, LOOOOOOOOONG standing online handles to pepper the unwitting with sunshine and bullshit. But you can sense these actual live human beings are sort of seeing the writing on the wall and have lost a bit of their will to go on as company shills and hitmen. One in particular I know personally has undergone a severe identity crisis of late, online at least, so we'll see if he can muster an effective renaissance of online planty PR work for the upcoming season.
I have faith. He's a professional.

Nellie, please win 24 games in a row to start this season and then go away forever. These people need a challenge and that script is already written. So just get it over with, Mr. Bonds.
Thank you very much.

My running plan on fixing the Warriors, dating back centuries, is to ship irrelevant blend player shitwings locked in for 5 years or so and just play the fucking youth and shut the fuck up you old drunk bastard and you creepy little anal retentive weasel and thank you very much. But some Warriors fans are so emotionally shattered and so relevancy-deprived, they're still stuck pitching super trades and hyping a known fat lazy pain in the ass underachiever as our best bet to rise again (pick one, Nellie or Baron), and they can't even begin to imagine a world in which role players are role players, lottery picks are developed (or developABLE), coaches attend practices (and even use charts now and then), and other teams sometimes don't score on a possession.

Hence, the quick fix, the counter-intuitive spin, the repressive self-loathing, the apologist deferrals, and the community infighting.

It's taken a full year for the fan community to understand just what they've done with Stephen Jackson. Folks are talking like they knew all along it was a stupid extension and that Jackson's arc says he gets paid then puts up empty, meaningless raw, low percentage numbers as a me-first chucker on a shitty team, then loses fan support, then gets ditched, then loses more fan support, then just starts punching fans in the face to cut out the middle man once they've already paid to witness the suck and chuck. It's science. And history. And math and shit. But no one can acknowledge that, indeed, I was the first one harping on how shitty this would get. Mostly because everyone was still confused about my decree of certainty on the Jackson for Eric Snow's corpse and a draft pick trade that never happened, much like the Tayshaun Prince acquisition for an as-yet un-extended Craptain Jack fell through due to the pending extension. MTII did report this, though, so there's a chance the team made it all up. I don't get it, if so. Why let us in on the secret that no one wants Jackson for more than an expiring contract and no one will give up value for him under any other circumstances?

Whatever, it's all been subsumed under the passive aggressive online pissing contests we're all accustomed to in Warriorland.

Poster Wars 09 has been EPIC. Better than my wildest dreams, and of course I am now the target of blame since none of most of you can even make sense of your own emotional reactions to the world any more. Really, this was the only natural outcome as the team finally and irrevocably let its fanbase down.

Paul Wong, creator of We Believe!, had a few articles and such run about how he gave up his season tickets and had his We Believe! signs ripped off or something- only Chris Mullin and a ticket rep were nice to him:
http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12454892?source=most_emailed

Now the team is using reliable PR mouthpieces to smear him instead of, you know, suing him or something if he was actually in the wrong (the Cohan playbook, according to all info you can find on the Ghost of Warriors Past). Their public image is so fucked, they're lashing out at their own fucking fans. It's ridiculous. The FANS are now the TARGET of OFFICIAL team media efforts and, to make matters worse, Gary Radnich holds up Tony Larussa vs. Twitter as a case study and scolds the bloggerspehre on air like he's trying to keep up with the Old Fat Drunk Mailer-Inner Drama Queen Depressive.
What the fuck?
http://www.ibabuzz.com/warriors/2009/06/05/superfan-wong-missed-his-chance/

Marcus was the only shill they could get to run this crap since they already used up Rusty Simmons' weekly print allowance on some titanic piece of bullshit fluff job on Larry "Vancouver Trainwreck" Riley's new gig and "responsibilities" (paid Scotch consultant).
Whatever, it's all too stupid to care about anymore.

What this fanbase needs is a Dr. Phil mass psychologist or something. Only one who's not a moronic douche bag Republican hack. We have one of those already. Possibly two. They've lost their mojo now that Ray Ray, Shitzgerald, and Rowell have been outed as first soliciting smear campaigns against Mullin and now just trying to do it themselves in online fan forums. Oh, and Marcus Thompson is now carrying the "correction" PR releases instead of Golden State of Mind. Be sure to update your links accordingly. In other news, Janny Hu gets to cover a legitimate beat, we assume here at [Libelous Slander]. Rusty Simmons will take over team ball-polishing duties.

Look sports fans and whiny little bitches, I may not be a sweetheart confidence-builder mommy type, but I get the effing job done and everybody knows it. Going on 3 long years now of prepping a casual fanbase for the let down. No thanks needed, it's what I do. I have a responsibility that is deeper than you can possibly fathom. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't like to talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hGvQtumNAY

Etc., etc., self-aggrandizing ridiculous overstatement of a bit part in the latest silly little interlude in Great Timey Outy fluff and fodder, team firmly entrenched as not only worst-managed but now most petty, irrationally vindictive, and obstinately committed to failure of ALL NBA franchises.

No contest when the info is all stacked up in one place.

Anyway, fuck the draft. It won't change anything.
Take a break. You deserve it.

July 1st seems like D-Day to me.

Paul Wong, originator and funder of We Believe!, wears his heart on his sleeve:

2009-05-31T15:53:00.000-07:00

This guy shelled out his own dough to build the best fan unity we've had in the Cohan Era. Read about how Robert Rowell managed to turn that into just another disgusting fucked up fan screw job. Wow. Amazing stuff:

http://www.warriorsworld.net/news/latest/paul-we-believe-wongs-letter-to-robert-rowell.html

5 months ago, I nailed it:

2009-05-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

http://chriscohansucks.blogspot.com/2009/01/tank-yer-mom.html
http://chriscohansucks.blogspot.com/2009/01/randolph-webber.html
http://chriscohansucks.blogspot.com/2009/01/wrights-disappeared-playing-time.html

New post up in the coming days.
Pre-draft/post-Incident(s) extravaganza of CC Brilliance.

Warriors Offseason Summary, Month One:

2009-05-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Are you fucking kidding me?

Biedrins and Randolph on the trading block.

2009-05-10T13:19:00.000-07:00

Warriors offered them for Bosh but were rejected at the February trade deadline. Then they played Randolph. Team President Robert Rowell concocted some contrived "they asked US for those two" talk point plant after the fact to cover up his complete and utter lameness as a basketball "mind."

Now the Warriors are scouting international shitwing centers and talking up Turiaf as their incumbent starting C.

Bye bye, Andris Biedrins and Anthony Randolph!
Nellie's drunk.

Look around and you'll find that all of this has been verified in independent, professional news outlets at various times. I'm lazy today so no links. Deal.

Happy Mothers Day!