PR Release: Drafty Bits & Nellie = Bonds

Well, I knocked off some brilliant bullshit for the day job and will soon grade you or your children's disastrous final exams, then I'm hitting the road for about three weeks to forget all that has passed in the past months of Warriors Dysfunction. You should take a break from the Warriors Ennui, too, as it's only a matter of time before the press packs and Bob Shitzgerald/TC Firehouse/Flunkster Dude/Twinkie Defense spins and sales pitches assault your all-too-wised-up ears and faces once we've fucked up the draft and mortgaged the future on a rental who won't make a difference. Fitz is instructing KNBR employees to hang up on anyone who wants to talk about the Warriors dysfunction. Only Terrence Williams draft talk allowed, but not last week.

Oh yeah, T.Will's dream come true: get drafted by the suckers at 7 so the money's tight, then get traded to Detroit so the play is decent. Can't imagine Joe Dumars is interested in a shitwing super athlete with rocks for brains, but whatever. A boy can dream. The Warriors: Making Dreams Come True (partially, but putting all faith in a lottery pick shitwing as prelude to final catastrophic blowup and disintegration).

Beware a slight change in tone from the usual plants now that the team has staged a public forum traffic draw/PR "outing." They're hoping to maintain a few of their still-unteam-ID'd, LOOOOOOOOONG standing online handles to pepper the unwitting with sunshine and bullshit. But you can sense these actual live human beings are sort of seeing the writing on the wall and have lost a bit of their will to go on as company shills and hitmen. One in particular I know personally has undergone a severe identity crisis of late, online at least, so we'll see if he can muster an effective renaissance of online planty PR work for the upcoming season.
I have faith. He's a professional.

Nellie, please win 24 games in a row to start this season and then go away forever. These people need a challenge and that script is already written. So just get it over with, Mr. Bonds.
Thank you very much.

My running plan on fixing the Warriors, dating back centuries, is to ship irrelevant blend player shitwings locked in for 5 years or so and just play the fucking youth and shut the fuck up you old drunk bastard and you creepy little anal retentive weasel and thank you very much. But some Warriors fans are so emotionally shattered and so relevancy-deprived, they're still stuck pitching super trades and hyping a known fat lazy pain in the ass underachiever as our best bet to rise again (pick one, Nellie or Baron), and they can't even begin to imagine a world in which role players are role players, lottery picks are developed (or developABLE), coaches attend practices (and even use charts now and then), and other teams sometimes don't score on a possession.

Hence, the quick fix, the counter-intuitive spin, the repressive self-loathing, the apologist deferrals, and the community infighting.

It's taken a full year for the fan community to understand just what they've done with Stephen Jackson. Folks are talking like they knew all along it was a stupid extension and that Jackson's arc says he gets paid then puts up empty, meaningless raw, low percentage numbers as a me-first chucker on a shitty team, then loses fan support, then gets ditched, then loses more fan support, then just starts punching fans in the face to cut out the middle man once they've already paid to witness the suck and chuck. It's science. And history. And math and shit. But no one can acknowledge that, indeed, I was the first one harping on how shitty this would get. Mostly because everyone was still confused about my decree of certainty on the Jackson for Eric Snow's corpse and a draft pick trade that never happened, much like the Tayshaun Prince acquisition for an as-yet un-extended Craptain Jack fell through due to the pending extension. MTII did report this, though, so there's a chance the team made it all up. I don't get it, if so. Why let us in on the secret that no one wants Jackson for more than an expiring contract and no one will give up value for him under any other circumstances?

Whatever, it's all been subsumed under the passive aggressive online pissing contests we're all accustomed to in Warriorland.

Poster Wars 09 has been EPIC. Better than my wildest dreams, and of course I am now the target of blame since none of most of you can even make sense of your own emotional reactions to the world any more. Really, this was the only natural outcome as the team finally and irrevocably let its fanbase down.

Paul Wong, creator of We Believe!, had a few articles and such run about how he gave up his season tickets and had his We Believe! signs ripped off or something- only Chris Mullin and a ticket rep were nice to him:
http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12454892?source=most_emailed

Now the team is using reliable PR mouthpieces to smear him instead of, you know, suing him or something if he was actually in the wrong (the Cohan playbook, according to all info you can find on the Ghost of Warriors Past). Their public image is so fucked, they're lashing out at their own fucking fans. It's ridiculous. The FANS are now the TARGET of OFFICIAL team media efforts and, to make matters worse, Gary Radnich holds up Tony Larussa vs. Twitter as a case study and scolds the bloggerspehre on air like he's trying to keep up with the Old Fat Drunk Mailer-Inner Drama Queen Depressive.
What the fuck?
http://www.ibabuzz.com/warriors/2009/06/05/superfan-wong-missed-his-chance/

Marcus was the only shill they could get to run this crap since they already used up Rusty Simmons' weekly print allowance on some titanic piece of bullshit fluff job on Larry "Vancouver Trainwreck" Riley's new gig and "responsibilities" (paid Scotch consultant).
Whatever, it's all too stupid to care about anymore.

What this fanbase needs is a Dr. Phil mass psychologist or something. Only one who's not a moronic douche bag Republican hack. We have one of those already. Possibly two. They've lost their mojo now that Ray Ray, Shitzgerald, and Rowell have been outed as first soliciting smear campaigns against Mullin and now just trying to do it themselves in online fan forums. Oh, and Marcus Thompson is now carrying the "correction" PR releases instead of Golden State of Mind. Be sure to update your links accordingly. In other news, Janny Hu gets to cover a legitimate beat, we assume here at [Libelous Slander]. Rusty Simmons will take over team ball-polishing duties.

Look sports fans and whiny little bitches, I may not be a sweetheart confidence-builder mommy type, but I get the effing job done and everybody knows it. Going on 3 long years now of prepping a casual fanbase for the let down. No thanks needed, it's what I do. I have a responsibility that is deeper than you can possibly fathom. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't like to talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hGvQtumNAY

Etc., etc., self-aggrandizing ridiculous overstatement of a bit part in the latest silly little interlude in Great Timey Outy fluff and fodder, team firmly entrenched as not only worst-managed but now most petty, irrationally vindictive, and obstinately committed to failure of ALL NBA franchises.

No contest when the info is all stacked up in one place.

Anyway, fuck the draft. It won't change anything.
Take a break. You deserve it.

July 1st seems like D-Day to me.