Greatest Shitty Series Ever! Cohan Weighs In

When I proclaimed this BOS-CHI first round matchup the soon-to-be-most watched series in the playoffs (on some other site... you don't know her), it was because of Derrick Rose's Game 1 and the Bulls pulling the kids together to run Boston around a bit. Not because of the markets. And I was right. But now that I've been proven right about it, of course the effing tools who run the national media have to salvage something from this trainwreck of a playoff season.

Denver-New Orleans was painful. At least Utah put up a legitimate fight. This is the difference between Jerry Sloan and Byron Scott. Jerry Sloan doesn't suck ass. Houston-Portland had some early intrigue since the Blazers are a bit of a princess pick for folks who like the youth model/cash clearance approach. Houston is a lot of fun because Tracy McGrady finally gets left in his fantasy basketball purgatory for good and perhaps even lets Houston land a major, MAJOR difference maker this offseason. But mostly, Portland was out of its league as a first year rebuild squad who never got Oden and Bayless fully into the lineup. Perhaps neither ever makes an impact, but the talent you're not getting (Oden's foul trouble and inexperience with All Star Center-guarding notwithstanding) makes a difference when Steve Blake is a major minutes eater.

Dallas clocking Old and Floppy-less San Antonio was superb and Dallas has been playing the best basketball for the last quarter season and playoffs now- they're Cohan's Pick to Click in the West. I'm taking Dallas over all comers, for better or worse, and I'm calling Denver soft with extreme Josh Smith moron potential if Dallas opens up a 20 point lead at any point in the series. Fuck the Lakers. etc.

At any rate, here's the deal on this shitty but edgy Boston-Chicago series:

Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah have been the only thing I’ve enjoyed about the Bulls in this series. At all.

Gordon and Salmons keeping the rock while Brad Miller looks ugly is not fun. Tyrus Thomas is a jumping jack, not a basketball player. Vinny Del Negro is officially the most incompetent coach in the playoffs. And with Doc Rivers AND Mike Woodson in the playoffs, that's saying something. Really something.

We will not discuss how Boston has Rajon Rondo and a bunch of crap without KG around. And what a fucking bitch KG is, right? What'd he do to Chicago to get so worked up about? Nothing. His team is ass and he's acting like they'll still be relevant when he's 56. Or however old he, Pierce, and Allen are next year. And Paul Pierce is back to Tracy McGrady fantasyland. It's beautiful. Least relevant "superstars" in the history of the league? It's possible.

We will not discuss Ray Allen hitting desperation 3’s that should never ever be necessary in a well-coached, well-executed first round series between relevant teams, Nellie’s shitwing wet dream notwithstanding.

We will not discuss Boston 2008's Miami HEAT-2006-ness.

I’m on the Bulls Bandwagon this year because they have a bit of interesting young talent everywhere but the coach’s seat, though seeing Gordon and Salmons become the wheels this series spells disaster if they leave the first round. But this series is getting major press because of duration, not because of quality.

The play has been horrendous. Costly turnovers, Stephen Jackson-style ballhogging and bad shot making (longterm national TV exposure of this brand of suck and superficial "success" for the Jordan-generation's epic basketball idiocy is what keeps Jackson chucking and bitching), Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury in the playoffs. Rajon Rondo getting to kneecap any Bull he chooses and Stu Jackson keeping his finger off of the moronic suspension button because he has no formal policy to hide behind and can't make the call on this one due to Stern's ratings directive.

Incidentally, Josh Smith should be suspended for all of his bullshit in last night's Game 6 laugher in Miami. It really doesn't make a difference to that series between Dwyane Wade and Mike Woodson. Al Horford makes a difference. Josh Smith makes a scene. Watch him block a shot into the parking lot sometime. This fucking moron watched me-first ballaz his entire childhood and thinks the game is about some transcendental, indelible image/ego triumph. It's not. He and the legion of idiots hyping Tyreke Evans in this shitty draft, like Rodney Carney before him, simply don't have the intelligence for basketball without a 2k_ in it somewhere. Smith is another fantasy freak lameass you don't want anywhere a team that is actually trying to win something.

Oh, and Kirk Hinrich resurrecting his career?!
What the fuck is going on here?!

This has been some of the absolute worst playoff basketball ever played in my lifetime. But it was the predictable lead this weekend and week as most of the other series fail to be interesting and as the league reverts fully to the Dwyane Wade show that made us all puke and doubt the credibility of the officiating in the first place.

We could be in for some trouble in Round 2.
Whole lotta shitball and individual free throw production on the horizon.

Whichever non-contender leaves the BOS-CHI series alive will get decked fully by anyone else they face next. That, in and of itself, rules out "Greatest" ANYTHING. These are two shitty teams playing a lot of bad ball. But the TV fan kingdom eats the "drama" slop from the spoon David Stern shoves in their mouth as Mark Jackson makes ham-handed Game 7 plug proclamations of Atlanta's home court fire while Josh Smith goes postal on national TV. At Jamal Magloire. Winner.

The NBA.

Where completely ignorant fans and transparent marketing desparation happens.