Anatomy of a Nellie Shitwing Sandwich

Short Version
Don Nelson: Shitball Addict. Lifetime of Suck. Can't win shit. Long line of shitwing chuckers racking up Nellie Points, then nothing. Evidence:
http://www.basketball-reference.com/coaches/nelsodo01c.html

Cathartic Version
Don Nelson has spent his career getting contact and paint rules changed and his various quarter-long impact and anomalous game look gimmicks perfected, all in the interest of playing 5 scoring guards at the same time and turning the game into a sloppy track meet with no tangible pace-control defense ever making an appearance. He's never won anything and his losing record in the playoffs- .452- is, at least, better than the .402 career winning percentage of his latest trio of shitwing chuckers (Jackson, Maggette, Crawford). But we all know how the Nellie script closes. Front office feuds, weird power plays, manipulation of players, various anti-media agendas he spends more time crafting than he does coaching (the Sac Bee hit on Bay Area media was especially charming).

In short, almost all of Nellie's career can be characterized as:

BULLSHIT

Robert Rowell adores bullshit. Eats it for breakfast. Has a BS vending machine rigged in his condo that doesn't need quarters. Slurps the stuff, spits it out to reporters, concocts some more with Ray Ridder later that same day. It's a lifestyle choice. These two geniuses-of-the-swindle combine forces to enable the most expedient bullshit possible and peddle it to the most forgiving, now-bordering-on retarded, fanbase in the country (have money, will spend). Combined with the master of irrelevance, Don Nelson, this is a lethal combination of shitwings and talk points. Bob Fitzgerald's bloated, oily, pasty little head is ready to pop from the cognitive dissonance and message-shift pressures this season. The shitstorm is undeniable and, quite frankly, bordering on very, very impressive. Seriously, how the hell could ANYONE else fuck things up so heinously in such a short span of time?!

So, where to start? How about with some purely circumstantial dollar equivalence...

Monta Ellis screwed up. Rowell says the team can void him after taking his money. He also says that money will go back to the fans. Let's see... did the team lose $3 million as it pushed the $8 tickets and half-price family fun packs? Someone should do the math. Judging by season ticket price adjustments THAT THE ENTIRE LEAGUE IS MAKING DUE TO THE ECONOMY, I'd say the Warriors still owe their fans 3 million bucks. Put it toward a Nellie buyout and we've made progress. Or, pay it to Kelenna Azubuike.

That was easy.

Anyway, Ellis is fine and on the way to becoming the franchise piece again or, to hear Warriors PR and its associated media/blogger-o-spehere tentacles tell it, he's a headcase attitude problem and the fans should be happy to see him hit the road. Man, fuck that guy, right? CJ Watson had an essay contest in Las Vegas. Look at the development of (37 year old) C.J. Watson! Eat it.

OK, Kelenna Azubuike. Shitwing extraordinaire and this month's Overachieving Upsideless 25-Year Old. (We're building for the future by starting him and playing him more than Biedrins, Brandan Wright, Anthony Randolph, etc.).

Oh, screw it. You know the rest.
He scores some points now and then, can hit a 3, get a board, can't D, does what Nellie tells him to and amounts to ANOTHER Nellie "find" off the scrap heap. He won't win anyone shit and we have played him like a serious piece all year instead of just playing the fucking REAL youth and working on a relevant future.
Add him to the list.

Nelson gets them, "builds" them, wins nothing with them, makes his money, and moves on. They may get paid by another team, but more likely, they just turn into pumpkins again. Nelson has a gimmick that is world class. The parts are interchangeable and he consistently turns the parts that would build a legitimate contender away and finds some manic depressive cop out when his big, or even slightly above average win total, regular season shitball squad falls on its face at the first sign of resistance.

Tell you what, here is the phenomenal Basketball-Reference.com Don Nelson coaching record page. It links to every roster Don Nelson has ever coached. My general assessment, and I'm right, along with scores of serious Don Nelson biographers of SUCK, is that the gimmick is obvious, habitual, and historical. He finds shitwings, they have no problem amassing passbale fantasy offense stats, the team is "exciting" or "on the brink of greatness," and then we fans get to enjoy the latest Nellie Special: The Shitwing Sandwich.

It all falls apart, smells funny, and we paid Filet Mignon prices.

Poke around a bit and see what shakes out for you, or not:
http://www.basketball-reference.com/coaches/nelsodo01c.html


*Note: For my illiterate fans, yes, this post is mildly performative.